Dangerous Friendships

My friendship with Brad was dangerous. I tried to keep him at arm's length emotionally, giving him glimpses into my life without divulging the depths of my heart. He sensed my reticence and thought I was unduly withdrawn, that I didn’t trust him. And I didn’t. He was single, as was I. At times I had feelings for him, and I didn’t want to grow increasingly attached to a guy who would be leaving the next time Ms. Close-enough-to-right pulled into town.
 
When he started to hold my hand (“I hold all my girlfriends’ hands!”), I knew I had to draw back further still. No physical affection at all, no coming over to the house for dinner, no watching movies together. I sensed this friendship had the potential to rip me apart, and I wanted to stay far away.
 
I haven’t always been so cautious. When I was younger, I worked closely with a guy who became like a brother to me – or so I told myself. We worked late together, sometimes talking about personal things. He often took me to lunch. We shared the same interests, the same faith, the same sense of humor, the same commitment to our work. He was married. When his wife was sick and he confessed that he was thinking about me instead of her, sirens went off in my head and I cut off the relationship completely. What had happened? It had been just a friendship. Or had it?
 
Aside from these examples, my life is peppered with healthy friendships with guys – guys I grew up with or went to college with, friends who are colleagues or far away on the mission field. There seems to be an unspoken understanding between us about where our relationship ends – both emotionally and physically.
 
But my familiarity with the dangerous side of friendship is far from unique. There is friendship and there is romance, and there are relationships that muddy the waters between the two and end up in a place that’s both friendship and romance at the same time – or, perhaps, neither friendship nor romance.
 
As singles, we involve ourselves in close but undefined relationships that are emotionally intimate. We have no commitment to each other, but we play with each others’ hearts, taking advantage of the close relationship when it suits our purposes and meets our needs.
 
John Holzmann, author of Dating With Integrity, summarizes the problem:
“Either one of us may find emotions welling up within us toward the other person, and so then the question is what do you do with those emotions? … I think that’s the key issue all over the place, in our relationships with all manner of people. What are we going to do as a result of the emotions we find welling up within us?”
 
Experts advise singles to take several steps to safeguard their friendships – and their hearts:

1. Define the relationship from the beginning. 
   Heather Paulsen, author of Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart, recommends that guys and girls define their friendships at the beginning so there’s no cause for confusion and everyone can keep their emotions in check. “When I look at the guy friends I have in my life, we know where we stand with each other,” she says, “and that allows us to enjoy each other’s friendship without living in the unrealistic expectation world of what could happen in the future. So when I look at a male-female friendship, is the core defined? Do they know where they stand, or is one person fantasizing too much or emotionally going beyond what they should? … I think there need to be boundaries and guidelines set up for each friendship.”
    
2. Rein in your emotions. 
   If you’re building romantic hopes and expectations around a friendship or find yourself depending on someone the way you would on a boyfriend or girlfriend, take note: Rein in your emotions. Pray. Don’t allow yourself to dream about someone who’s only a friend.
    
   Jackie Kendall, co-author of Lady in Waiting: Developing Your Love Relationships, notes that women are especially prone to allowing their emotions to get out of control – and fast: “Women need to assume that there is a built-in vulnerability. Every woman – no matter how bright, how godly, how committed – has a built-in vulnerability. … Women want so much to be loved and connected with men that they call it friendship and deceive themselves.”
    
3. Be honest – painfully honest. 
   Communication around these issues – especially when our hearts are involved – can be dicey. No one enjoys an awkward situation, and it’s often easier to leave difficult things unsaid. But Michael Smalley of the Smalley Relationship Center says honesty is crucial to healthy relationships. “Don’t let the awkward moments prevent you from being honest.” And this honesty provides good training for marriage, in which either you or your spouse may be confronted with a friendship that has the potential to develop into something more, and you’ll need to honestly confront the situation together.
    
4. Keep an eye on your nonverbal cues. 
   Holzmann says it’s essential to keep an eye on nonverbal communication, where much miscommunication occurs: “Look at what you’re saying or implying and what other people are inferring from your actions, what you’re inferring from their actions, and think about it. Communicate verbally about those things to make sure there’s no miscommunication … or to the possible extent that you avoid that kind of miscommunication.”
    
   As with my experience with Brad and the hand-holding, it’s possible for two people to come away with completely different interpretations of nonverbal cues. Clear the air. Don’t assume you’re reading all the signs correctly or that the other person knows how to interpret your actions. Look for things that could be misleading and explain them.
    
5. Have someone hold you accountable. 
   Kendall suggests that singles seek out accountability partners to help with emotions and attractions that may run away with them: “Just as men need accountability partners in the area of lust, women need accountability in the area of [romantic] fantasy.” Tell someone about the feelings you’re dealing with. Ask them to pray for you. Let them know when you’ll be seeing the friend you have feelings for.
    
6. Don’t develop friendships with ulterior motives. 
   If you’re in the middle of a deep friendship but frustrated that it’s not going anywhere, check your motives. Did you go into the friendship hoping to develop it into something more? Smalley cautions, “You’re deceiving yourself and the other person. It’s not fair if a couple years down the road you realize this guy isn’t going to take any initiative [....], and you get mad … that’s your problem.”
    
   When you establish a new friendship, keep your expectations in check. Don’t set out to manipulate a friendship into something more.

Opposite-sex friendships can be hard work, but the reward is well worth it. Holzmann suggests not only are these friendships incredibly valuable, they’re a better training ground for marriage than a typical dating relationship would be: “The participants learn a depth of self-awareness and other-awareness and learn how to communicate [with] depth and richness.”
 
So, if you embark on a friendship and start to feel sparks, don’t run from it. Deal with it honestly and truthfully. Set boundaries. Get help. You – and your friendships – will become healthier as a result.

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© Life Way Christian Resources. Courtesy of LifeWay.com, and Christian Single magazine.

 

Photo by Lotus Head.