Monthly Grandparenting Column
by Karen Robbins

Last week we had a visit from my four-year-old granddaughter, Danielle. She took a few ballet lessons so we thought that the Nutcracker would be a special night out for her. Grandpa bought us great tickets and she arrived with a new dress and shoes for the occasion.

On the long drive back from picking her up, we stopped at an outlet mall and wandered through the toy store. Danielle is a stuffed animal junkie and I could see her skills of negotiation had sharpened since the last time we were together. She started out wanting a large dog—almost half her height—but I managed to talk her into a little white dog within my price range. To her credit, she also picked out a car to take to her brother.

The next day, we went to our local mall to find a children’s book about the Nutcracker so she could learn the story before seeing the ballet. We found the perfect book and then wandered through the mall. We ended up in one of my favorite stores, Kid Concoctions. It’s a place where kids can make some things on their own like flavored candies, bath soaps, modeling compounds, etc. I thought she would enjoy filling a little tube with different colored sour candy powder but as we walked through the store, she discovered a display of little stuffed monkeys and instantly responded with, “Grandma, I need a little baby monkey. Oh, they’re so cute!”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “we bought you a stuffed animal yesterday.”

She clutched her little white dog to her cheek, looked up at me with big blue eyes that began brimming with tears and cried. “But Grandma, I really need a baby monkey. Really. I do.”

“Do you have money to buy it?” I asked. Her father always hated that question.

“No,” she said and added sweetly, “but you do.

The negotiations continued with her tears escalating. She even promised that I didn’t have to get her any Christmas present. It was obvious that the monkey was more than just a “want.” It was a “just gotta have” and was breaking her heart. I walked a little distance hoping she would follow but she just stood there staring at the monkeys, clutching her little white dog, and sobbing as if her heart were broken. It was a full blown meltdown. I felt like the worst Grandma in the world.

Eventually, I told her that the monkey would definitely go on her Christmas list and steered her to the candy machine. The salesgirl wiped a tear from her own face and helped Danielle fill her tube with the candied powder.

How do you handle your grandchild’s meltdowns? Temper tantrums are almost easier. Those you ignore and even walk away from but those big tears and wily negotiations are tough. Here are some suggestions:

• Be specific about what you will buy while you are out. Only one of something and, if the child can recognize numbers, set the amount.
   
• My aunt always wisely waited until the end of our shopping trip to say I could pick out what I wanted. That helped with behavior along the way as well.
   
• Give the child an envelope with the amount of money he can spend. This is especially good for teaching money skills. Then he can buy as many things as he wants but stays within a budget.
   
• Take a time out for both of you when the going gets rough. Suggest looking somewhere else, having a cup of hot chocolate while you both talk about something else, or going to the play area of the mall to run off some of the frustration.

It doesn’t help you, your grandchild, or her parents to continually give in. Set some boundaries and your grandchild will know what to expect and hopefully, the meltdowns will be few. All that said, there is a baby monkey wrapped in Christmas paper awaiting Danielle’s holiday visit.

About the Author: Karen Robbins is a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband love to travel and scuba dive. Many of their adventures are posted at her website, www.KarenRobbins.com.