Monthly Grandparenting Column
by Karen Robbins

"The first duty of love is to listen." -Paul Tillich

A grandparent’s ears were made for listening but not all of us are good listeners. Listening attentively to your grandchildren makes them feel loved, appreciated, and encourages them in their development at any age. Young children need to have an audience to practice their language skills as they learn to talk. Our youngest grandchild, Caleb, is just beginning to associate sounds with communication. His “Ba, ba, ba” is now associated with a finger pointed at a ball.

Listening to the preschoolers can be difficult at times as their brains work faster than they are capable of speaking. By paying attention to what they are trying to say, we help them use vocabulary, put together sentences, formulate thoughts, and sequence events. Stop, look, and listen can be applied to youngsters as appropriately as train crossings. Stop for a moment. Get down to their level and look them in the eye so they know they have your attention. Then listen carefully and watch the joy fill their eyes as they communicate.

Older children are developing opinions, impressions of the world around them, and have a desire to express their ideas. They need to dream dreams and know that someone cares that they do. Their dreams may sound outlandish, impossible, but so did many others who had dreams at a young age and saw them fulfilled as adults. Without an encouraging listening ear, many of those dreams would fade.

In their book, Listen Up, How to Improve Relationships, Reduce Stress, and be More Productive by Using the Power of Listening, Larry Barker and Kittie Watson give five guidelines for listening to children:

• Keep eye contact with children when they are speaking.
• Show patience when children are struggling to say something.
• Eliminate distractions whenever possible.
• Keep aware of the impact your feedback and responses may have.
• Ask questions to show interest and involvement.

While it is difficult at times to get teenagers to talk especially on an intimate level, when the opportunity arises, be ready to listen. What a privilege a grandparent has when a teenaged grandchild uses them as a sounding board. So many times problems can be worked out in the adolescent’s world if there is but one listener who doesn’t interrupt and try to give advice.

Here are some tips from Barker and Watson for listening to teens: 

• Don’t ask too many questions.
• Be selective when criticizing.
• Reinforce attempts to share information.
• Be available to listen when your grandteen wants to talk.
• Find environments where open communication is easier.

Foremost in any conversational situation with your grandchildren, is paying attention to them. According to some of the factoids from the International Listening Association, “Spoken words only account for 30 -35% of the meaning. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal communication that only can be detected through visual and auditory listening (Birdwhistell, 1970).” Watch their facial expressions. Are they avoiding eye contact? What’s the tone of their voice? What’s their body language telling you? Take some of that parental intuition out of mothballs and put it to use again. Then respond appropriately with excitement, understanding, sympathy, encouragement, or whatever is appropriate for the moment.

To listen is to love. “Intention is everything,” says Roberta Rand, online editor for Focus Over Fifty. “When our intention is love, when our communication becomes about understanding…so we can be better friends, partners, parents, [grandparents], etc., then good things usually result.”

Resources:

Listen Up, How to Improve Relationships, Reduce Stress, and be More Productive by Using the Power of Listening, Larry Barker, PhD, and Kittie Watson, PhD, (St. Martins’ Press, NY, 2000).

International Listening Association.
 
Can You Hear Me Now? Developing Good Listening Skills, Roberta Rand, Focus Over Fifty (2004), http://www.family.org.

About the Author: Karen Robbins is a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband love to travel and scuba dive. Many of their adventures are posted at her website, www.KarenRobbins.com.