Monthly Grandparenting Column
by Karen Robbins

Hair flying around her face, Kotomi bounced up the steps to our home as quickly as her little preschool legs could take her. “Granma!” she shouted as I opened the door and bent down to greet her. Her small arms encircled my neck and she gave me the biggest hug her tiny body could offer. 

It felt so good. 

Hugs are the way we gift wrap love. They are the most common expression of love to our family through touch. Touch is important to us. It gives comfort and reassurance. How quickly those bumps and scrapes are overcome when a hug and a kiss are delivered.  

Touch is essential to emotional and intellectual development says Dr. Tiffany Fields, director of the Touch Research Institutes at the University of Miami School of Medicine. Dr. Fields has done studies which use infant massage to show the importance of touch in a child’s development.  

While the evidence supports the importance of touch in all of our lives, the general rule in society leads us away from physically touching others. Making someone feel uncomfortable, the threat of lawsuits or even the stigma of a touch that was misinterpreted makes us draw back from a natural response. Instead of teaching and learning the difference between a good and bad touch, some children only learn the negative; that touch is not a good thing.  

Several years ago as a seventh grade art teacher, I received quite a shock from one of my students. My natural response was to lay a hand on a student’s shoulder as I looked over his or her work. One day a youngster shook my hand off and stated quite calmly, “My mother could have your job for that.” I felt sorry for the boy who obviously didn’t know the difference between a good and bad touch. 

“Touching is a beautiful, connecting, survival-oriented, heart-opening act, and we need to do more of it,” says Dr. Phyllis K. Davis in her book The Power of Touch.  

As grandparents, we have the opportunity to touch generations with gift wrapped love and teach the importance of an appropriate touch. We greet our grandchildren with hugs and kisses but do we greet our own children in such a way as well? They need the fuel that touch provides for their own sense of confidence, reassurance, and love. By touching our children we pass on that love to our grandchildren through them.  

You are probably familiar with what I call the “kick the cat” cycle. Dad comes home angry and yells at Mom. Mom then gets short with little Johnny who turns around and kicks the cat. What if that had all started with a hug? If Dad had learned from his dad to greet Mom with a hug? We are still examples and teachers to our grown children. If the evening had started with a hug, the poor cat might not be counting how many lives he has left. 

Not only is a hug or a touch good when we give it out, it is good when it is received. In one of Dr. Fields’ studies, she had difficulty finding the funds to supply the staff she needed for the infant massages. She turned to a group of grandparents for help. They were trained to supply massage to the infants in the study and in return they themselves received massage. Physical symptoms in the grandparent group diminished. They experienced less depression, improved moods and lower anxiety levels. Fewer trips were made to doctors’ offices and sleep and self-esteem improved.  

Besides hugs and massages there are other ways to touch and express our love and care for another. A gentle touch on the arm connects you with another person. A handshake is a good touch and can be taught to children as a means of greeting someone where a hug may be inappropriate. Handholding, pats on the head, or even a little toe tweak shows you are interested in your grandchildren.  

Dr. Davis ends her book on the power of touch with the following: “In touching each other with love, we are really touching God. It is only when we are touching God that we are whole.” 

We all need to be loved. We all need comfort and assurance. We all need to be touched. 

Have you hugged someone today?

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About the Author: Karen Robbins is a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband love to travel and scuba dive. Many of their adventures are posted at her website, www.KarenRobbins.com.