Mommy Musings
Monthly Column by Anni Welborne

I recently found something in my daughter’s closet that surprised me. I was just putting away some dresses and straightening some books we keep in the girls’ closet. In among the books was a smaller book that I distinctly remember throwing away several days ago, the dredges of a box of books someone passed along to me. And yet, here it was in my older daughter’s closet, hidden beneath other books.   

Hmm… how to handle this problem….? “Oh Jesus, please help me deal with this.” It’s a sad thing to say, but I’m finally learning to pray before I discipline. Today, I prayed for discernment, asking for God’s guidance in reaching my daughter’s heart. One thing I’ve learned about God’s parenting style, demonstrated in Eden and throughout Jesus’ ministry, is that He always starts by asking questions – not because He needs the information, but because He wants His children to think.   

I called my daughter to me, and we curled up cozy in my overstuffed rocking chair. “Honey, I want to ask you a question, but before you answer, I want you to know I already know the answer.” And then I showed her the little book. One could clearly see the shock on her face at the sight of the book. But then one could see her consider her options, just like we all do. Lie? Or face the truth? 

I think many times, the options we choose are based upon our fear of the situation itself and our fear of the consequences. I’ve learned that approaching my daughter in a calm, quiet, clearly loving, gently probing way (rather than ranting, raving, and accusing) yields much better results.   

My daughter took a deep breath. “Mommy, I got that book out of your trash can.” I hugged her, and thanked her for telling me the truth. I further questioned her about why she picked it out of the trash, when there were other books that I pitched along with this one. What it came down to was that this book was pink and had a cartoon girl drawn on the cover. I acknowledged to her that I could understand why the book might have appealed to her. 

Jesus told parables to get His points across to His listeners. “Sweetheart, if Mommy took something out of the fridge, and then put it in the trash can, would you then take it out of the trash can and eat it?”  "Oh no!" she assured me. She understood that the trash can is full of germs, that the food might have gone bad, and if she ate it, she’d probably get sick. I confirmed her reasoning. I then asked her if Mommy had good reasons to give her rules, like not playing in the street or talking to strangers or climbing over the fences into where our neighbor keeps his bulls.  "Oh yes!" Rules were to protect her, she said. I asked her if she was thankful for my protection, and again she said yes. I asked her what might happen if I didn’t have the rules about streets or strangers or fences. She clearly understood that she could get hurt or maybe even killed. I asked her if the rule about not getting food out of the trash was also for her protection, and she agreed – that Mommy wanted to protect her body from getting sick.   

I asked her if she’d like me to make her a dress from rags or a dress from beautiful fabric, and she chose the beautiful fabric, of course. I asked which would be the better dollhouse – one made from clean wood or one made from discarded cracker and cereal boxes from the trash. I told her that it was simple math – garbage plus garbage equals garbage. Or more simply, Garbage In, Garbage Out, or GIGO. I also asked her why Mommy gave her healthy food instead of junk food. She understood that it was to keep her body healthy, that too much sugar and junk food would make her sick. Put good things in, and the results will be good. Put bad things in, the results will be bad. Right? "Right," she agreed readily. 

I had her exactly where I wanted her. Now was the time to close the logic loop for her. 

I then told her gently that I wanted to protect her mind and heart from getting sick as well. I told her that such a book could make her mind and heart sick. She looked shocked. “But Mommy! It’s just a little book!” I asked her if she would want to eat a brownie made with just a pinch of mud, or if she’d like chocolate milk made with just a few drops of car oil, or if she’d like spaghetti made with few worms. She was totally grossed out by the thought of eating her favorite foods slightly tainted. 

I asked who would know more about whether books were good for her or not – me or her.  She conceded that I had more experience in choosing books. I asked her to trust me, and that this book was not appropriate for her (or any young girl, in my opinion). But I want my daughter to know my criteria for evaluating “appropriate,” so we read Philippians 4:8 again. (It is amazing to me how much mileage one little verse can get!) 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (NIV) 

Recently, I’ve begun reading things in The Message as well, just for a different perspective. 

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. 

Ok, so there’s our list – true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, gracious, best, beautiful.… Starting from the cover, my daughter and I went through this little book. In the book’s favor, it was a pretty, eye-catching pink and had flowers drawn on the cover. But that’s where the loveliness ended. I asked my daughter if she liked the way the character was dressed, and she said no, that she wasn’t dressed modestly. I asked her specifically what wasn’t modest about the clothes, and she named the low-cut shirt, the exposed belly (complete with navel piercing), and the low-slung, tight fighting pants. I asked her why those things were not modest, and she replied that they exposed rather than covered the body. My daughter also pointed out that the girl wasn’t sitting modestly. 

I asked her to look at the character’s eyes, and give me some words that described the way she looked. “Haughty, like she doesn’t really like me, even though she’s smiling.” That was correct, and we looked at Proverbs 6:16-17: "There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue...."   

And then we went through the book, pretty much page by page. It was a “dictionary” of “cool” terms, to help a girl really communicate with her friends. It consisted almost entirely of words to use to put down other people, either to their faces or behind their backs. So we read 1 Corinthians 13, about how love should really look. Liberally sprinkled through were words used to describe ways of circumventing parental authority. I reminded her of her C verse from our ABC Bible Verses book.  Colossians 3:20 says, “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord” (KJV). I asked my daughter if it would please God for her to try to get out of obeying me or her Daddy, and she knew the answer was no, it would not please God.  (See January’s column for my full review of this wonderful book!) 

I then asked her if she understood why I threw the book away. “Yes, Mommy, you were trying to protect me. You were trying to help keep my mind and heart clean.” I then asked her what she needed to do about this book. She grabbed it out of my hands and ran for the trash can, slam-dunking the book.   

She then came back, climbed back onto my lap, and I asked her four final things. First, I asked her to ask my forgiveness for taking the book out of the trash and not trusting me to protect her, which she quickly did. Of course, I forgave her. Second, I then asked her if she liked it when I protected her and kept her safe. She said yes. Third, I asked her if she was thankful for my protection, that she could trust me to take care of her, and again she said yes. And fourthly, I asked her to express her intention of allowing me to continue to protect her in the future, which she did. I cautioned her, that since this was the first time she did something like this, that I would consider this a teaching and training opportunity, but that if she did something like this again, that there would be consequences to her behavior. Finally, I suggested we pray, and she eagerly shared her little heart with Jesus. What a sweet time of cuddles and laughter we shared after we prayed together.   

I know for sure that had I gone into the situation accusing and voicing my indignation, that my daughter would not have made the logical connections or been thankful for my protection. James 1:19-20 helps me remember this. 

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (NIV)

Gentleness, asking questions, drawing parallels through parables, pointing out principles of cause and effect, extending grace and mercy, and appealing to God’s standards are sure ways to please God in training and disciplining our children.