Mommy Musings
Monthly Column by Anni Welborne

Riding Sidesaddle in this World

I recently read a sad, shocking news article about letting little girls be little girls (or how not to…).

Meet the pre-teen beauty addicts (outside link)

little girlAbout the same time, our youngest daughter recently turned 4 years old. At her birthday party, Grandmother Indulgent gave her a toy roller coaster to ride. She had played with one many times before at a local home improvement superstore, so she was thrilled to get one for her birthday. The little car rolls down two little hills on a 10-foot ramp and then coasts to a stop. It’s hard to walk down our hallway, because the roller coaster fills it up. But listening to the girls play on it has been fun.

I had to laugh, though, when I heard our 6 year old daughter tell her little sister in a very matter-of-fact manner, “You’re wearing a dress. Ladies always sit sidesaddle. You have to sit sidesaddle.”

I’ve never taken my girls horseback riding. How on earth did she know about riding sidesaddle?

Because I encourage femininity, that’s how. Because I encourage it, she was on the look-out for femininity. Perhaps we saw a picture, perhaps she read it in a story, perhaps I did mention it at some point. I have no idea. I encourage my girls to be girls, and not boys or something androgynously in between. This is not going to be a tirade against feminism, although I think that title is a misnomer. There’s very little feminine about feminism. This isn’t going to be endless ranting against the current fashion trends, although I do indeed find them deplorable.

Rather, this is going to be a short list of some of the things I do to encourage feminine grace in my girls. By nature, some of the following items will be anti-feminist and will certainly be counter-cultural. But I’m okay with that! I will also include some gloriously feminine resources to which I frequently turn.

First of all, why should girls be girls? Why should women be feminine? Without going into a complete theological treatise, the answer is simple: Because God made us to be so. In Genesis, it says, “…male and female, He created them.” Distinct, different, and from all accounts, delightful. I’ve heard it described in popular vernacular that Adam (man) knew he was man because God gave him the task of naming all the beasts. But when he saw Eve, his first utterance was “Whoa! Man!” (wo-man) He saw Eve, and he liked what he saw! He acknowledged that she was human, but Whoa! What a difference! Woman is most womanly when she embraces those differences and cultivates them.

Second, be intentional. It seems obvious, but in today’s culture, a mom actually has to plan to be feminine. For me, this meant asking a question about each and every piece of clothing. “Is this decidedly feminine?” Another way of asking that question is, “Would a boy feel comfortable wearing this garment?” Not everything feminine is pink or has lace, though, so it’s not as easy as it appears. That’s why the second question is important to ask sometimes.

Intentionality also extends to posture and position. My girls and I talk a lot about how a lady sits, stands, and walks. This doesn’t mean that my girls sit primly in their straight chairs all day long. Little girls must still get proper exercise. For us, that means romping on our grassy acre, climbing the “fort” playcenter, swinging, and sometimes even playing at the McPlayland, which involves crawling and sliding, often in mixed company. This necessitates a dress of modest length, but also shorts under their dresses. Recall the day when girls always, always wore pantaloons or bloomers. Our grandmothers and great grandmothers recognized mobility as well as modesty (and comfort) with the simple undergarment of pantaloons. Frankly, I find them extremely charming – that line of lace sticking out from under a skirt, visible when the girl runs or jumps.

Intentionality includes “beginning with the end in mind.” I owe this concept to the father’s letter in Little Women, in which he refers to his growing daughters as “little women.” I’m not rearing girls, I’m rearing future women. To that end, I try to refer to them as little ladies. Recently, I left both girls sitting in the library at church while I stepped out for just a moment to speak with someone. When I returned, they were engrossed in their books, and I announced my presence by calling, “Ladies?” The librarian behind the desk straightened up and quickly replied, “Yes, ma’am?” I apologized for disturbing her and said I was just calling my girls. She thought it was marvelous that I referred to them as ladies. I replied that I want my girls to know what I expect of them – to behave as ladies.

Third, I must model feminine graces. Am I dressing femininely? Am I sitting lady-like? Children copy their elders. My little girls copy everything I do, and I must make myself a model of femininity before my girls will embrace it for themselves. I have to laugh – that phrase “feminine grace” is pretty far from how I actually feel most days. “Girlish klutz” more accurately describes me. But I can aspire to “feminine grace!” I do this by wearing a skirt most days, wearing a pretty barrette in my hair, sitting politely, and generally upholding femininity and modesty in what I read, watch, and comment upon. If I see a lovely, graceful dress, I point it out to the girls.

Fourth, I must address femininity and modesty issues with the girls from time to time. I don’t constantly harp on it, but when situations arise, I take the opportunity to teach. In particular, I remember one white, frilly blouse to which my daughter was attracted while we were shopping. It was admittedly pretty, lots of lace, decidedly feminine. However, it was a size 6x, and it had a plunging neckline and gathering at the bustline. We discussed that God did not give little girls bustlines yet, and that to wear something that emphasized that area of her body was not appropriate. Furthermore, I asked if a woman were to wear a blouse like that, would we be able to see cleavage, and they both acknowledged that to be true. Our standards of modesty includes not showing any cleavage, and the girls know that.

(Incidentally, we recently discussed cleavage in regards to a Barbie-type doll. To help my daughter understand, I asked her that if she saw a corner of a chocolate bar, would she want to see the whole thing, and she said yes. I asked her if she saw the edge of an apple, would she want to see the whole apple, and again, she said yes. I told her it was the same with body parts, that our minds naturally fill in the missing pieces, like a puzzle. If someone sees the edge of shoulder, that someone will want to see or will picture the whole shoulder in his or her mind. And likewise legs and busts. This concrete example of my daughter’s own desire to see more really helped her understand why we need to protect other people from seeing – or wanting to see – our bodies.)

Fifth, one receives what one expects to receive. I frequently tell my girls “pretty is as pretty does.” Or more specifically, “Princess is as princess does.” If we act and dress like ladies, we will be treated like ladies. One time, several years pre-children, I did a very informal research study. I was working as a secretary at a local university, and I frequently had to take stacks of papers or books over to a nearby building. For a couple of weeks, workers were re-doing the doors of the building, and I’d always have to walk through the construction area. Sometimes I wore slacks, and sometimes I wore a dress or skirt. In the course of the weeks of construction, I noticed a pattern. If I was wearing slacks, the construction workers were not inclined to open the doors for me. However, if I was wearing a skirt or dress, many times they would stop working to open the door for me. I’m not saying that pants or slacks are not feminine, because they certainly can be. I’m just pointing out an interesting trend in the perceptions of others.

And finally, I enjoy a few resources that encourage me to promote femininity both in myself and in my family. Allow me to share these with you.

After writing this whole article…I remember now... Our oldest daughter was perhaps 3 ˝ or 4 years old, the youngest just a barely-crawling baby. We were at the world-renown, award-wining Children’s Museum (www.childrensmuseum.org) in Indianapolis, riding the carousel. I was wearing a skirt, and I indeed rode my colorful horse sidesaddle. I remember the carousel operator told me I would have to straddle the horse, and I replied, “But I’m wearing a skirt.” He looked surprised for a moment and then replied, “Excuse me, ma’am. I didn’t see that at first. You’re fine.” I dressed and acted like a lady, and the carousel attendant treated me like one.

Action points: Do you have girls? Do you want to encourage femininity in your girls? What practical steps can you take to help your girls be more feminine? Are you yourself feminine?

Charles and Anni WelborneAbout the Author: Anni is the wife of Charles Welborne and the homeschooling mother of five children - two daughters (ages 7 and 5) here on earth, and three who graduated early and now dwell with their Heavenly Father. She assists her husband in the tape/CD duplication ministry at their church, where she is also in charge of the Deaf ministry and serves as a sign language interpreter. Anni is also a part-time Developmental Therapist for at-risk and developmentally delayed infants and preschoolers. In her "spare" time, she enjoys sewing, quilting, scrapbooking, and making pysanky (Ukranian decorated eggs). The Welbornes live in Indiana.

Copyright © 2007 by Anni Welborne.



Copyright © 2008 Positively Feminine®, Inc.