Mommy Musings
Monthly Column by Anni Welborne

Warning: This is a painfully honest article, lived and written through tears. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because I’m no where near innocent.

It was a long, weary day. All I had gotten done that day was cleaning up mess after mess after mess. After cleaning up the umpteenth potty accident, I stepped on a jack and twisted my ankle. I broke. I began yelling, ranting, chiding, deriding—harsh, critical, perfectionistic, and completely ugly. It was a low-point in my parenting, to be sure, and I’m ashamed to confess it. I felt dreadful, and yet I also felt I could not stop the flow of vitriol out of my mouth. So I gave myself a time-out. I told the girls to leave me alone for a while, and I went into my bedroom, locked the door, and began sobbing.

“Oh God, I can’t do this! I cannot clean up one more mess today. I CAN’T! I don’t want to be a slave! I don’t want to be a servant. I want my children to obey and clean up their own messes!”

“Why, oh why, did God make me a mother?” my spirit moaned within. And yet I hated the very question I just asked. I prayed for years and years to become a mother, endured the heartbreak of three miscarriages, wept for joy over the births of our two daughters. My daughters are a delight of my heart. I felt so ungrateful, regretting the question, regretting every condemning word I had just yelled at my daughters.

When I felt I had calmed down enough to come out of my room, I stepped to the door. There, slid under the door, was a picture my 7 year old had drawn—a balloon in the shape of the I Love You hand sign, along with some silk flower petals she had taped to the paper. I felt terrible, which only made me cry more. I opened the door and stepped into their room to find them. There, on the floor were all the clothes from their drawers as well as the contents of two storage containers—unfolded, unsorted, completely jumbled, six inches deep. But no girls. Just another mess to clean up. And this mess would take a long time to clean up—resorting all those clothes by size and season.

I thought I broke before. Now I really broke and started sobbing uncontrollably. I must confess I started screaming at that point. I yelled at the girls to explain this mess.

“But Mommy, we were only trying to help. You said you wanted to switch our summer and winter clothes today.”

“Oh yeah?! Well, THAT is not helping. THAT is making my job even harder. THAT is a mess that you have left for me to clean up.” And it went downhill from there.

I made the girls sit down to watch a video and threatened them if they made any more messes. But before I did, I pitched yet another fit, tossing videos out of the cabinet onto the floor, yelling at them all the time for not picking up videos. “Since you like videos on the floor so much, HERE! Have some more! If you want to live like pigs, go ahead!” (Oh, I cringe now when I think of how awful I was!) Then I stomped back to the bedroom and got to work on the clothes, grousing and complaining under my breath and tears the whole time.

A crash from the living room brought me running. There on the floor were all the crayons and pencils, and there stood my daughter, handing me another picture. This time it was a picture of a woman wearing a crown. I’d seen similar pictures before, and I knew it was a picture of me, the Queen Mommy, smiling and sitting on my throne.

“Here Mommy. This will make you feel better!”

No, it didn’t. It made me feel even worser than worse. And since I was angry and frustrated about yet another mess, I handed it back to her and said, “Don’t draw me as the Queen. Draw me as the scullery maid, because obviously that is all you see me as.”

She was devastated. And I felt even worse, if that was possible.

I’d like to say I got my act together, changed my attitude quickly, repented, and all that. But I didn’t. It took several hours and a long nap for me to change from my hissy fit into something nicer to be around. That night, however, I asked my daughter’s forgiveness for being so unkind and unloving, and they threw their arms around my neck and kissed me repeatedly and joyfully.

I didn’t deserve their forgiveness after the terrible way I acted and the horrible things I said. But I’m so glad they forgave me! I pray that they were not wounded by my ugliness. I definitely was NOT the mother I wanted to be. What should I do now? Pretend the day never happened? Beat myself up over it? No, neither one is right.

If I were a good mom, how would I have handled one of my children having a horrible temper tantrum? Well, anytime we have a discipline issue with the girls, we ask a series of questions to help them process what went wrong. The first three questions process the past. The fourth and fifth process the present, and the last plans for the future.

1. What did you do wrong? (What were your sins? Yes, plural, because we seldom do just one thing wrong.)
   
   
2. Why is it wrong? (Why is it a sin? A sin is a sin because it goes against the attributes of God. Sometimes we look up Scriptures that prove His character.)
   
   
3. What does God say about it? (Several Bible verses to support why this is a sin.)
   
   
4. What should you have done? (Immediate application of the above verses.)
   
   
5. What do you need to do about it now? (What can be done to make the situation better right now?)
   
   
6. What will you do next time? (Plan ahead to do right, or you’ll do it wrong again.)

These are all part of the “Put off –- Put on” principles as found in Ephesians 4:22-24:

²²that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, ²³and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, ²⁴and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. (NASB)

Because I know I’m not the only mom to lose it some days, allow me to walk you through my own Q&A. The Questions help with all three—putting off the old, renewing the mind, and putting on the new.

Because I’m trying to be transparent with my daughters, I went over the above table with them and told them my answers. I told them that even Mommy and Daddy have to answer these questions, because Mommy and Daddy sin too. I pray that they learn that humility is not dreadful when they see their Mommy ask forgiveness with tears and real repentance. I pray that they never think I am perfect and that they have to live up to my perfect standard.

I had to laugh. I recently read Proverbs 14:4, and it struck me how this applied to children.

Where no oxen are, the manger is clean,
But much revenue comes by the strength of the ox.
(Proverbs 14:4, NASB)

If you have an ox, you’ll have to clean the stall and the manger. But if you have an ox, you have the means of earning income. The two go hand in hand. Likewise, the blessings of children accompany the messes of children. If I want the blessings, I will accept and clean up the messes.

The best book I have found in helping me deal with sin Scripturally is the book For Instruction in Righteousness. It is a marvelous book, with each chapter listing Scripture examples of what will (or should) happen to people (not just children!) who commit that specific sin, ideas for discipline, and object lessons to help remember about the sin. I also really like that it includes how God blesses the person who resists that sin as well as encouragement ideas for overcoming the sin. Also included are Biblical stories that demonstrate obedience and disobedience. It’s a great tool for parenting children and growing in my own Christ-likeness.

I could have blamed my feelings on the rainy day, on my monthly cycle, on the stack up of stressors. While all of those could have been (and probably were) factors, the real truth is that I chose to act the way I did. I pray I never have a day like I had that day. But I will continue to battle against my sinful nature daily, even hourly.

Challenge: More behavior is caught than taught. What behaviors do you want your children to exhibit? Given our sinful nature, failure is not only an option, it is probable. How do you want your children to handle their sinful failures? Consider showing them how you handle your own failures. They know anyway, so you might as well talk about it and set a good example in their minds.

About the Author: Anni is the wife of Charles Welborne and the homeschooling mother of five children - two daughters (ages 7 and 5) here on earth, and three who graduated early and now dwell with their Heavenly Father. She assists her husband in the tape/CD duplication ministry at their church, where she is also in charge of the Deaf ministry and serves as a sign language interpreter. Anni is also a part-time Developmental Therapist for at-risk and developmentally delayed infants and preschoolers. In her "spare" time, she enjoys sewing, quilting, scrapbooking, and making pysanky (Ukranian decorated eggs). The Welbornes live in Indiana.

Copyright © 2007 by Anni Welborne.