Mommy Musings
Monthly Column by Anni Welborne

My oldest daughter has been particularly snuggly lately. I’d even say she’s been “needy” at times. She’s needed extra cuddles and has often requested that I rock her. I don’t mind, really I don’t. She’s growing up so quickly, and I treasure these moments when she asks me to hold her.

One evening not too long ago, we talked about her extra need for snuggles, and she agreed that she needed lots of snuggles lately. I told her how glad I was that she asked me to hold her. I assured her that the need for snuggles is one reason that God gave her a mommy and a daddy –- to help meet her need for cuddles and hugs. I gently admonished her that anytime she needs snuggles, she’s to come to us to meet that need. I warned her that some people are not safe to snuggle with, but her Mommy and Daddy are. (Sadly, I know that for some children, even parents are not safe snugglers.)

A couple of evenings later, I asked her again about her extra needs for snuggles, if there was a reason why she needed extra. She paused meaningfully and finally said yes. Then she whispered she didn’t want to tell me until later, after certain conditions had been met.

I’m naturally paranoid, and I fear something terrible happening to my daughters. I guess it comes with the job description of Mommy. I have one or two things specifically that I dread ever happening to my precious daughters. Probably every mother does. Perhaps these fears are what prompt me to tell my daughters that they can tell me anything, that I am a safe person to cuddle with, and so on. My private prayers were winging Heavenward quickly –- "Lord, please let her tell me what’s bothering her. Please help me handle whatever it is with Your grace. Please don’t let it be…. [I couldn’t even say what I most dreaded.…] Please give me Your wisdom to answer her."

Finally, the conditions were right, and she began to tell me what was bothering her.

She said she had to whisper, because what she needed to tell me was a secret, and she didn’t want anyone to know. (My dread and fear became even deeper, but I tried to keep things in perspective.)

Her story went as follows: Somewhere, deep in her mind, in the center, she thought, she had a hollow place. She didn’t understand it, but she felt like she had a hollow place. She didn’t understand why it was there, but it felt hollow, to be sure. She didn’t know exactly when it came, but she thought it was the other day when she fell at her friend’s house, and I wasn’t there to comfort her.

First of all, I silently thanked God for her ability to articulate what she was feeling. Not all kids can do that, and I’m so thankful I have a very verbal daughter! I asked her if that was all she wanted to tell me, and she said yes. I assured her that I understood what it felt like to have a hollow place inside. I told her that actually, God had put that hollow place inside, and further, that He’d told her about it.

I told her that everyone has hollow places inside, me included. But that some people don’t recognize them. Further, that is why there is so much sin in the world. People try to fill up those empty places with all sorts of things. And when the emptiness doesn’t get filled, people keep sinning and sinning, trying again and again to fill those empty spots.

But God wants to fill up those hollow places. He put the empty spot there, and He wants to fill it. Each is shaped so that only God can truly satisfy the emptiness. For example, I can try to fill up her empty places, but I can’t do it all. It’s like a puzzle. Say her empty place is shaped like a triangle, but I’m only shaped like a circle. I can sit in the triangle, but there will be spaces around me that I can’t fill up. Only God can completely fill the empty spots.

As we continued to talk, I told her that she would probably have many hollow places in her lifetime. We discussed how to deal with them when they happen. I told her there were six steps for dealing with hollow places.

1. Recognize the hollow place is there. This can often be recognized by a vague feeling of something not being right. I also shared with her that a feeling of discontentment is usually a good sign that there is a hollow place needing to be filled.
2. Name the desire. What do you really want? Is it a valid desire? Is the desire for something sinful?
3. Discern why you have that desire. Is it really a desire for a chocolate chip cookie, or is it a desire for love and comfort?
4. Pray and ask God to fill that desire with Himself. He’s the only one who can meet those deep, soul needs.
5. Determine God’s characteristic(s) that can meet that need.
6. Meditate on Scriptures that discuss that characteristic.

For example, my daughter was feeling a need for love and comfort, and she recognized there were times when I could not meet that need for her. The need for love and comfort is not sinful, but the way one goes about fulfilling that need could be. (Here I discussed my own tendency to search for love in the cookie jar and how that one cookie is not sinful, but several could be.) We looked up several Scriptures that discussed how God cares for His children (all from NASB).

"As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day" (Ezekiel 34:12).

"…casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you" (1 Peter 4:7).

"Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; your walls are continually before Me" (Isaiah 49:15-16).

We prayed, and I thanked God for showing my daughter her empty spots. I asked Him to fill them up, and to keep her aware of her emptiness without Him. She then prayed that God would fill her empty spots.

With an extra snuggly hug and a smoochy kiss, I sent her off to bed. And then I burst into tears. First of all, I was so relieved that my deepest fears were not true. Secondly, I was profoundly thankful to God for giving my daughter the ability to articulate what she was feeling. And finally, I was thankful that I had taken the time to cultivate the kind of relationship with her that she felt comfortable sharing her hollow places with me.

This was perhaps one of the most significant conversations I’ve ever had in my life. But it wouldn’t have happened if several things were not already in place.

1. I had to wait for the timing to be right. She had certain conditions that had to be met before she could share with me her thoughts. That included meeting her needs for cuddles ahead of time and eliminating distractions around us.
2. I couldn’t force the issue. I couldn’t force her to tell me what she was feeling. I had to cultivate the kind of relationship where she felt comfortable. And that takes time.
3. Patience is a virtue. I couldn’t hurry her, even when she repeated phrases again and again, trying to find the right words.
4. I had to be prepared by praying ahead of time. I spent several days just holding her, praying for her, praying that God would show me what she needed.
5. Tune your thoughts to God throughout the day, looking for His wisdom. I never knew when she would ask for snuggles, and I never knew when she’d tell me what was going on in her wonderful little mind.
6. Pray frequently, beg, plead, for wisdom. That’s one prayer that God promises He will answer! I’m fully convinced that God gave her the grace to know what was wrong, and I’m equally convinced that God gave me the wisdom to answer her in a way that pleased Him.

Challenge: What needs do your children have? They need so much more than just good veggies and clean clothes. What hollow places does your child have? How can you guide your child into allowing God to meet those needs? Remember to pray, pray, pray and to seek God’s character to meet those needs.

About the Author: Anni is the wife of Charles Welborne and the homeschooling mother of five children - two daughters (ages 7 and 5) here on earth, and three who graduated early and now dwell with their Heavenly Father. She assists her husband in the tape/CD duplication ministry at their church, where she is also in charge of the Deaf ministry and serves as a sign language interpreter. Anni is also a part-time Developmental Therapist for at-risk and developmentally delayed infants and preschoolers. In her "spare" time, she enjoys sewing, quilting, scrapbooking, and making pysanky (Ukranian decorated eggs). The Welbornes live in Indiana.

Copyright © 2007 by Anni Welborne.