Literary Sampler: Essays, Book Reviews, and More...
Monthly Column by Charity Gingerich

‘Therapy for the Undecided Insomniac,’ with Manny Glower
(Airing Tuesday Nights at 4 a.m.)

Narrator: An atheist has just seated himself comfortably on a cloud - a special pillow provided for this show by Select Comfort - preparing to have a virtual conversation with Saint Peter – compliments of Zigby Higher Technologies Inc. – occupying a bucolically celestial meadow – made possible by TrueGreen Chemlawn. Folks, witness divination at its finest.

Mr. Hitchens: Hey Pete. [not bothering to remove his Tom Cruise sunglasses so the saint cannot see his eyes].

St. Peter: Yes Mr. Hitchens?

Mr. Hitchens: Nice meadow you have up there. [coughs and reaches for a mint]

St. Peter: I think so myself.

Mr. Hitchens: So, who’s playing god behind the plastic Rhododendrons today? [sneer]

St. Peter: Actually Chris, remember that drawing at Starbucks this morning?

Mr. Hitchens: Yeah, what about it?

St. Peter: You won!

Mr. Hitchens: Nice. But what’s that got to do with the alleged but all-poisoning Divine? Besides my allergies?

St. Peter: Besides a month’s worth of free lattes…

Mr. Hitchens: I was hoping for cappuccinos in December…

St. Peter: …you accidentally drew God’s favorite hat and green magic ring too.

Mr. Hitchens: Magic ring? [eyebrows raised]

St. Peter: Well, favorite hat. He’s had the ring, but hasn’t known what to do with it. He thought you might want to test its usefulness – the ring, that is. He can’t spare the hat.

Mr. Hitchens: What’s the catch? [gestures to the sound man to adjust his ear-piece]

St. Peter: Only a small thing, a really miniscule stipulation normally found in size 5 Times New Roman on the forty-fifth page of—

Mr. Hitchens: Could you spare me the honesty? It sounds treacherous.

St. Peter: Sure, sure. As I was saying, a very small thing in exchange for some extremely powerful magic—

Mr. Hitchens: Don’t tell me. I have to wear wings. A white beard too?

St. Peter: No. Not unless you want to play god. [laughs quietly into his own hoary frothing beard].

Mr. Hitchens: So? [aside to tech: how much am I being paid for this commercial anyway?]

St. Peter: How are you about multi-tasking?

Mr. Hitchens: Great, once I’ve had my coffee.

St. Peter: Then you should have no trouble.

Mr. Hitchens: I’d agree if I KNEW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT [visibly riled, plucking his puce “god is not Great” tie]

St. Peter: Well okay. No wings, no beard, not even knee pads. But you do have to help field the prayers of 50 million Christians around the world complaining in sixty-five languages to Him about your book. [slightly aside: that’s a rough estimation]

Mr. Hitchens: God gets free advertising again? I should have guessed. MANNY! Send me a check. I’m charging 20% overtime for--

Technician: Cut, CUT! And salvaging. [There’s a general scrambling of crew and cameras]

St. Peter: I’d be happy to do one last pose sir, in place of the author. [he winks slyly at an enormous prop of the book’s cover, bearing the same title as Hitchen’s tie]

Technician: [grins in spite of himself] Good to know you get to keep your sense of humor on the other side father, but I think your work’s done for today.

St. Peter: No one down there interested in a perfectly good green ring, then? [looks dubiously at what looks like a costume emerald on his finger]

Technician: Uh…not today.

Narrator: [aside: the script is unusable without Hitchens! How shall I conclude?]

St. Peter: I could do a song.

Techs 1 and 2: [ignoring him and not so aside: add-lib man! You’re being paid by the word!]

Narrator: In that case…Ladies and Gents, we are happy to conclude with the results of our first drawing: Jennifer Beltz! You have been awarded a Chef’s Friend scissors, CON-grad-uLAtions! Braddock McFelty! You have been awarded THE…”

Technician: “Cut, cut CUT!”

Copyright © 2008 by Charity Gingerich.

About the Author: Charity graduated from Kent State University with a BA in English, as well as minors in writing and history in 2006. This fall (2008) she will be entering the MFA in Creative Writing program at West Virginia University where she will be specializing in poetry. Charity always welcomes any questions/suggestions about this column. Click Here to send her an email.