Be the Change
Monthly Column by Dr. Krista Driver

Misty was abandoned some time ago. Her owner said she’d be back to get her in a couple weeks, when the divorce was final, but she never came back. That’s how Misty ended up at Serenity Center For Change (a nonprofit horse rescue program that I founded). So, Misty made new friends: Bo (a blind gelding) and Grace (recently diagnosed as lame).

Horses are herd animals and when it comes to one of their own, they can become extremely attached. That’s how it was with these three. If I took one of them out of the yard, the other two would run, buck and yell at me to bring their friend back.

The day (February 16) was like any other day at Serenity Center.  I went out to do the clean up etc., but Misty was “down”.  She was obviously in severe pain. Colic. That’s what it’s called when a horse’s intestines are impacted. A horse can’t be “down” for extended amounts of time because it causes their insides to flip and get tangled up. It’s a death sentence to a horse to remain on the ground for long stretches of time. But the pain was too much for the little horse--she couldn’t stand. The vet gave her some meds to help with the pain and laxatives to move everything through the intestines. She was rolling and got her legs caught up on the fence. Now, I’m not very strong ... yet I managed to pull her legs straight out and free her from the fence, just long enough for her to stand up.  Gently guiding her to the outer yard, Misty followed me as though her life depended on it. Indeed, her life depended on it! She went down again. This time exhausted and out of “fight”. I sat on the ground with her head in my lap, rubbing her face, crying ... pleading with her to stand up. 

“Come on Misty! Don’t give up!”  We stayed like that for about two hours. Any time she even rolled up on her legs, I would get behind her and push her body, lending her my strength to stand. But I wasn’t strong enough. I had locked Bo and Grace in the stalls so they wouldn’t step on Misty, but in a flash of brilliance I thought to let them out. Maybe they could help. And what happened next was truly amazing. The blind horse and the lame horse ran (and I mean RAN) to their friend who was dying. When horses greet one another, they put their noses together and literally share their breath. The exchange was barely audible. Bo and Grace, faces bent, I could hear the breath being shared between the three of them. They breathed into Misty’s nose, offering her their strength to stand. She stood and began to follow them around the yard! I was overcome with my own exhaustion and gratitude for the collective breath.

It was just a few laps around the yard before Misty went down again. Only this time, she never stood back up. Time was precious and it was running out for the little mare. The most I could do for her was to rub her legs to keep the circulation going, wipe her face free of sand and put drops of water into her mouth and cry. I continued to whisper to my little friend, “Don’t give up. Who will knock the trash can over when I’m trying to clean up? Who will lock the blind horse in the stall and think it’s funny? Who will escape from the yard and taunt me to catch her? Keep fighting, Misty!” For six hours we sat like that ... her head in my lap as darkness fell over us. Bo and Grace were never very far away, as though they too, were silently willing her stand up again. When the vet arrived that night, there was nothing more that could be done for her. She took her last breath with all her friends around her. On the drive home, my thoughts began to wonder...

I witnessed a friendship so pure and so powerful. Those horses showed me what a true friend is. A friend is someone who will sit with you when you are hurting, cry with you when life is painful, push you when you have fallen, encourage you to stand up. A true friend isn’t just a “yes man” (i.e. tells you what you want to hear). No. A real friend will challenge you to change things in your life that are not in alignment with God’s will, confront you when you’ve done something wrong and hold your head in their lap and whisper encouragement, “Don’t give up!”  An honest friend will inspire you to a life of integrity and lift you up to a life of seeking and learning God’s truths.

How often are we sick from something we ingested ourselves? We find every rationalization for things we do. “It was my husband’s fault I cheated on him…”  “I had to lie about that situation…” “It’s nobody’s business what I do anyway.”  And it’s even worse when we have “friends” that “co-sign” that. “If your spouse was a better person you wouldn’t need to look elsewhere for a connection.” “You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s OK to lie. I’ll even lie for you.”  Or even worse, when a “friend” feeds you a bunch of lies that are enough to make your insides flip over. Colic.

I tell you this ... I would rather have those four legged friends than a friend who just tells me what I want to hear or “co-signs” rationalizations or lies to me. I want friends who will run to me when I’m down, share a breath with me and help me to stand again. And I want to be that kind of friend to others…to cry when they hurt, laugh in the joy, challenge them to a higher calling; to spend the patient hours, holding their head in my lap and whispering, “Don’t give up!”

What kind of friend are you?  What kind of friends do you have in your life?

Have we done everything we could to save that marriage, friendship, business partnership, family relationship?  Or did we walk away when it was just too much trouble? Have we fought, with everything in us to preserve the life of our relationships? As with Misty, I can rest in the assurance that I did everything I possibly could to save that beautiful horse, but God took her.  If we don't fight for what we value, how can we ever be sure that it was truly the right thing to "put it down"?

And would others grieve the loss of your friendship, marriage, business partnership or family relationship? Bo and Grace are grieving in the worst way. That’s how I know they really loved their friend.  Bo stands in a corner, chewing on the fence (that’s called cribbing). For days after Misty’s death, he wouldn’t allow anyone to get near him.  I took a sweet little boy to visit Bo the other day, and when that little boy walked into the stall Bo allowed the child to hug him. And Ms. Grace split her head open (sometimes horses will injure themselves out of emotional pain). I’ve been spending hours upon hours sitting on a fence of the stall, reading a book, just keeping her company. Yesterday, face bloodied and bruised she came to me and put her head in my lap and finally rested.

Bo and Grace have a special “job” to do on this earth… those broken, abandoned, abused horses invite broken, abandoned and abused children to join them in their journey of rebuilding hope. The little boy has already broken down Bo’s walls and the journey continues… 

About the Author: Dr. Krista Driver holds professional certifications in diagnosing and treating eating disorders and substance abuse. She is licensed in the State of California as a Marriage, Family, and Child (LMFT) therapist. Currently working in private practice, Dr. Driver is also the Founder and Executive Director of Serenity Center For Change (a public benefit nonprofit in California). From transitional living to equine therapy, Serenity Center for Change offers the tools to assist others in initiating effective change in their lives. Dr. Driver has published one book (But I Want A Casserole) and is currently awaiting the publication of her second book (But I Want the Whole Loaf). Visit her website at www.DrKristaDriver.com.