I don't know about other cultures, but we Americans have a bad habit. For instance, we go to Burgers 'n' Stuff for a fast lunch only to have to wait in line forever because they are training a new employee. They ran out of iced tea and the sandwich is not what we ordered. The replacement is hot, but now our fries are cold. All in all not a good lunch.

We seem to forget that we've eaten there many times before with no problems. Instead, we tell ten people, “Don't go there!” On the other hand, we probably only mentioned once or twice, if at all, about the good meals at Burgers 'n' Stuff.

We are very adept at expressing—and remembering—the negative. It seems like the good “files” get further and further back in the file cabinets of our minds. Thus, they are harder to retrieve.

Years ago, I attended an adult education class on knowing yourself. The chairs were placed in a circle and we sat quietly waiting for the instructor. By 7:15 p.m. he still hadn't arrived, and a few people questioned whether we should wait any longer. At 7:20 a few whispers were heard, but no one had left. Finally, a voice said, “I can't believe you're all just sitting here for over 25 minutes and no one has thought to introduce themselves.”

We all turned to the man, who was wearing a ratty old sweater with leather elbow patches and sloppy, well-used slippers. He waited a moment then continued, “I'll start. I am Mr. Avary, your instructor.

“We'll begin with introductions. The ground rules are, state the name you wish to be called during the class and one good thing about yourself. Something that makes you, you. Not I'm a good cook or a good carpenter. Oh, and pay attention to what everyone is saying because there will be no repeats plus you must learn each others' names.”

It took us nearly two hours because it is much easier to tell what you’re not good at rather than a personal positive characteristic. I just wanted to say I was a nurse. Trying to think what I was going to say and listen to everyone else wasn't easy.

Once everyone had spoken, Mr. Avary dismissed us, but no one got up. No, he hadn't told us what his good thing was so we all stared at him. For the first time, his expression changed. He chuckled and said, “I have an innate ability to make others think. Tonight, you may not think that's a good trait, but come back next week and we'll see whether we've been honest and really told something GOOD about ourselves.”

I don't really remember much about the weeks that followed. But I recognized that we tend to accentuate the negative, and so do our memories.

We remember the hurts, the disappointments, the “bad” things in our life rather than the positive. So to rebuild trust, we must start with “don't go there.”

When I shared my experience last month, I told you about my parents not paying for my nursing education. In fact, they rarely gave me any spending money, either. I spent three years with no money unless I worked an extra shift as a nursing aide. The little bit I earned paid for my graduation expenses and a few personal necessities.

It is much easier to bring those memories out than to cherish the memories of my anonymous benefactor. Or of my classmate, who took me home with her for the weekend so I could relax and have fun. Then there was the pastor, who visited me every week for over a year, to teach me how to study scripture. I easily remember when my instructors gave me a hard time, rather than the instructors who went to the school's director to have my schedule changed, knowing that the pediatric instructor would eat me alive and ruin my chances of becoming a nurse.

Well, you get the idea. I want to challenge you to get out paper and pen. Form two columns: negative memories and good memories. Use those memories you identified last month and write them on the bad side, then look again at those memories for the good side.

Example:

Negative	Positive
picnic ruined	we laughed while trying to eat & hold the umbrellas too
best friend lied about me	found out later she lied to protect me and I understood how much she cared about me
father beat mother when he was drinking; it scared me	mother took us to a shelter—it was awful, but father stopped drinking & went to AA. Life was better after that

After you've made a short list, change the column titles to "Don't Go There" and "Encouraging Words". We need to reprogram our minds. Like in Monopoly^® go to the next space: Encouraging Word Avenue, and buy it! Drive by Burgers 'n' Stuff without a discouraging word because you don't have to go there! Pass GO and collect peace of mind.

As we alter our thought patterns, we begin to file the hurts in the Do Not Open folders and rebuild trust. It will soon become spontaneous to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5, emphasis added).

Copyright © 2009 by Constance Gilbert
*Coda = the ending, in music, or the section at the end of a text giving additional information.