Connie's Coda*
Monthly Column by Constance Gilbert

I truly love the articles and stories about loving mothers and grandmothers. They have become the role model I never had.

Like many women, I come from a dysfunctional family. Yet the problems of our mothers and grandmothers do not have to be passed on to the next generation. I know -- I broke that chain, and learned I am a worthwhile, uniquely special woman. You are, too!

In the months to come, I will be exploring some of my childhood issues so you will know that even the deepest heartaches can become heartstrings to God’s hope, joy, love and peace.

Picture a dandelion going to seed. Do you see those fluffy seed clusters forming a silky white gossamer ball? Once ripe, the hundreds of seeds with their tufts of delicate hair are ready to be blown off by the slightest breeze or the breath of a child.

Remember the joy of a toddler as she blows then watches the tiny parachutes carry their precious seed cargo up, up until she can no longer see them. Can you hear her giggle as she bends low, trying to keep her balance, to pick another one? Now, it’s your turn. Go ahead . . . pick one. Blo-oo-ow!

Think of those tiny hairlike parachutes as carrying the seeds of your happiness and your heartaches. Those tiny threads bring them to our Heavenly Father as heartstrings to the perfect garden of His heart.

It was when I realized God was waiting for me to give my hurts to Him that my heartaches turned into heartstrings. Healing began. That healing is still in process for just like dandelions, I’m like a tenacious weed in a garden. I don’t like to leave my comfort zone -- even when there is no comfort there. It’s what I am used to. I resist change. I want to be in control. Sound familiar?

While growing up in the 1950s, my world was basically my neighborhood. I thought what happened at my house was the same at everyone else’s house. In my mid-twenties, I realized I had grown up in an abusive home. Today, physical and sexual abuses are openly talked and written about and that’s good. But emotional or mental abuse is just as damaging to a young mind. It is long-lasting and can lead to behaviors worse than the original abuser.

I was never physically or sexually abused. Yet I never was "good enough." Although I was shy, I was a good student. I was proud of my grades -- mostly A’s, but they were never "good enough." I learned to play the piano, but I wasn’t "good enough" to have lessons. I earned badge after badge in Girl Scouts, but I wasn’t "good enough" to go to Girl Scout camp. As I got older, the verbal abuse increased both in frequency and in intensity.

At 16, I gave my heart to Jesus, but didn’t feel worthy to give Him all of me. In the years to come, I would face many trials, which I thought were punishments for not being "good enough." (That old record still tries to play in my head.) Eventually, I would discover that God was providing encouragers and He was protecting me long before I ever knew Him.

I will be sharing lessons learned, self-esteem restored and how other people’s lives were touched as a result of God protecting, encouraging, and helping me to work through various heartaches including being widowed at age 27 with a two year old son.

Let’s begin today with a peek at who I am.

First, I am a child of the King, who I call Abba (Daddy). I am the proud adoptive mother of a son, who designs Christian book covers. He and his wife made me an even prouder Gramma to 16-month-old Leah, and five year old Jamie*, who’s eager to start Kindergarten. (He and I have a story rock, where we sit and share stories. I tell tales about his daddy and he creates verbal adventures. We’re going to write a book, you know.)

Although I retired from the work world after 41 years of nursing, I continue to use my expertise as a Parish Nurse for my church congregation and community. What a blessing to pray with my patients!

Retirement is a wonderful period of my life as I finally have the time to do the things I used to dream of: knitting prayer shawls, mittens, scarves, and sweaters; doing cross-stitch and embroidery; reading the books that stacked up over the years; and writing, my passion since I learned to read.

Also there is time for personal and group Bible studies, which I love facilitating. As my writing develops, I attend several writing and critique groups to be encouraged and to encourage. And last year, I was honored to speak at two women’s conferences.

Sounds quite good, but it wasn’t always that way. Depression and fears controlled my life as I struggled from one tragedy to another. I will be sharing those hard times, which have brought me closer to God through His Son, Jesus. With Him, I have great joy and peace!

Until next time, remember: the problems of our mothers and grandmothers do not have to be passed on to the next generation. We can heal, forgive and be the mothers and grandmothers we wished we had.

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About the Author: Connie is currently writing a book on Breaking the Chains of emotional abuse. She is the coauthor of "Christ's Light: In and Beyond Us" (an e-book), and she writes for several Christian publications. Connie would love for you to visit her blog site found at www.consheartstrings.blogspot.com. She can be contacted by e-mail to: cgeewriter@yahoo.com.