Open Doors

The psychologist leaned back in his chair, paused … then asked, “Why do you always leave the back door open?” He indicated it was a problem. I just smiled as I shared this childhood event:

I had been called into the living room by my parents, who were having an argument. (Not an unusual happening.) They literally placed me in the center of the room, between them, saying, “We’ll let you decide.” Definitely, a no-win situation for me.

As they each stated their side of the issue, I was trying to figure out how to create a win-win situation. I actually do not remember what they said nor how I answered. However, I do remember they both left the room thinking they were right.

Pretty good for a 16 year old!

My session continued with Dr. Saunders reminding me that I no longer lived at home. It was safe for me to express myself. That insight was very valuable as I was unaware that I always remained neutral or as he had stated “left the back door open.” I always created a way for escape. But what Dr. Saunders implied was a problem, I recognized as a positive skill.

My friends will now tell you that I learned how to shut that door. I am quite capable of stating my opinion or disagreeing without fear of punishment. But I have retained that ability, learning to use it as a powerful tool when needed in volatile or potentially harmful situations. I am a good “defuser”, and a calm negotiator.

Looking back, I can see how I learned these skills. First, I was the protector for my siblings. I removed them from the scene and kept them calm and quiet so they wouldn’t provoke my parents’ anger any further. Second, the Lord blessed me with a good mind. I learned problem-solving skills before I ever knew what they were called. Today, they’re also referred to as critical thinking skills and include observation—the ability to watch and analyze the situation, and then to reach a conclusion and come up with a plan.

The Lord also provided me with positive role models. And as a avid reader, I was able to glean valuable insights from books. So, out of fear and the need for self-preservation, I learned to problem solve. Leaving the back door open was one solution, but others were more positive.

For example, while still in elementary school, I observed that my father was content when he studied truck transmission manuals for his job. I also noticed that those manual didn’t interest my mother; she left him alone when he picked up one of those huge books.

As the oldest, I received little one-on-one time with either of my parents. I came up with a way to get that attention: I asked my father to explain one of the illustrations in his big manual. I snuggled closer to him on the sofa in order to “see better,” and encouraged him to keep talking by asking simple questions, saying, “Uhuh … and? So?” He enjoyed sharing his expertise, and he never realized that I didn’t understand anything he said. (My mechanical aptitude was and remains zilch, nada, none-existent.) But I quickly learned to encourage him in order to have that one-on-one time I craved.

The downside, my mother always ended up starting another argument with my father after I’d spent time with him and his manuals. And I, often, was punished inappropriately for some little thing, but it didn’t stop me from seeking my father’s attention. Many years later, I understood that my mother was jealous; she always had to be the center of attention—positive or negative, it didn’t matter. It was the jealousy that lead to the arguments and punishments.

Your situation may have been different, but of this, I am sure—you gained valuable skills as a result. I encourage you to reflect upon them, sort out the good from the bad, and develop the positive skills you learned as a child.

Remember that God can bring good out of any situation and He never wastes our experiences. Your survival skills can be turned into opened doors, into special abilities which you can use to help others and to glorify your Heavenly Father.